my voice and my pleas for mercy.
Because he inclined his ear to me,
therefore I will call on him as long as I live. (Psalm 116:1, 2 ESV)
Throughout the days before and following Austin's surgery, I claimed verses about God's love and His care for His people. Verses reminding me of how He hears my prayers and how I could run to Him when I felt hopeless and alone. I truly believe all of those verses and the God who inspired them. The past couple of days I have thought about "what if....". Not in the way of being anxious about things that have not even happened yet, although I did go through a time of doing that a few weeks ago. But in the way of asking myself "what if things had gone differently?" What if Austin lost the amount of blood they expected him to lose and they had been concerned for him surviving the complication? What if the surgeons did have to remove his kidney? What if things had gone like the surgeons thought they would and they were not able to take one of the tumors from his liver and he definately needed more surgery? What if while removing the masses of tumor around the spine, they had injured the spine and he had long term results? What if the biopsies came back as live cancer? If any of these things that were a possibility happened, would I still have been able to praise God? Would I have been able to "Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good" and believe "his love endures forever" as 1 Chronicles 16:34 tells us? Would I have posted "Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever! Who can utter the mighty deeds of the Lord, or declare all his praise?" (Psalm 106:1, 2 ESV) the morning after surgery? Would I have claimed Ps 107:8-9 and praised Him "for his wondrous works to the children of man"? I have thought about this and prayed about this and asked God to show me my heart. Acts 1:24 tells us “Lord, you know everyone’s heart." and I wanted Him to reveal to me what is there. God reminded me of my repsonse in March when we were first told of the cancer, of how far it had spread. He reminded me that I never asked "why Austin" or ever doubted God's love for any of us because of this devastating news. He reminded me that I had clung to Him (and my friend April) from the beginning. As I remembered my reactions that afternoon in the ER, I reaized what my reaction would have been if the news had not been good. I honestly can say that I probobly would not have said "Praise God, Austin lost a kidney!!! Or "Thank you Lord for Austin having long term complications from this surgery!!!" But I do know that I would still be able to rest in Him and the fact that He would still be in control. That I would still believe that He will work "all things for good for those who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28). I would still desire, no matter what happened, that God would be glorified and I would praise Him because "the LORD upholds the righteous." (Ps 37:17) and He would uphold all of us. I know that I would still believe God is good~ no matter what. That God loves Austin and that He will work all of this for His purpose and His glory.
I know that things still could change. When Austin goes for his post op appointment next week we may find out that the final path may be different than they think right now. (The pathologist was still running tests on some of the specimens and the surgeon mentioned that we would know the FINAL report next week) Or that the CTs in a couple month may show growth of the remaining tumors instead of shrinking. Or Austin's lab work for the tumor markers may rise. But even if any of these things happen, even if the cancer is back, even if Austin has to have more surgery, more chemo ahead of him, God will still be God. He will still be good. The work and miracle He did in Austin's life in March, will still be there. He will still be Austin's Blessed Controller. And He will still be my "Blessed Controller' and I will daily relinquish MY control to Him. And I will praise Him because He loves me even when I had times of doubt and was anxious about the "what ifs", He was there to quiet my soul and calm my heart. I truly believe God is good.... all the time. Even if things had gone differently.
I know that things still could change. When Austin goes for his post op appointment next week we may find out that the final path may be different than they think right now. (The pathologist was still running tests on some of the specimens and the surgeon mentioned that we would know the FINAL report next week) Or that the CTs in a couple month may show growth of the remaining tumors instead of shrinking. Or Austin's lab work for the tumor markers may rise. But even if any of these things happen, even if the cancer is back, even if Austin has to have more surgery, more chemo ahead of him, God will still be God. He will still be good. The work and miracle He did in Austin's life in March, will still be there. He will still be Austin's Blessed Controller. And He will still be my "Blessed Controller' and I will daily relinquish MY control to Him. And I will praise Him because He loves me even when I had times of doubt and was anxious about the "what ifs", He was there to quiet my soul and calm my heart. I truly believe God is good.... all the time. Even if things had gone differently.
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